10 Things I Wish I’d Known on My Wedding Day
A floral veil cascaded past my waist.
Lace sleeves extended in a V-shape across my hands.
My neckline sported a delicate strand of pearls from my maternal grandmother.
I walked down the aisle to the hope of always and forever.
Altough our pastor completed pre-marriage counseling with us, nothing really prepared us for marriage struggles.
So come along as I take a look back to discuss what I wish I’d known the day I said, “I do.”
And see if any of these resonate with you or offer you hope.
(1.) I wish I’d known to communicate in an authentic and vulnerable way.
Men and women communicate differently. And our temperaments and past relationships have shaped us.
Learning all the differences is key. But I wish I’d also realized the importance of learning to be authentic by showing a vulnerable side.
After “I do”: Share how you are vulnerable at work, in other relationships, online and with your marriage. Get it all out in the open and be the real you.
(2.) Ask for and give forgiveness.
I wish I’d known how forgiveness releases us from the shackles unforgiveness places on us. “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Colossians 3:13 (ESV)
In Jesus, forgiveness has been freely extended to us for our sins and missteps against God.
After “I do”: We ask our spouse to forgive us for our missteps and freely offer it when our heart bears wounds.
In Jesus, forgiveness has been freely extended to us for our sins and missteps against God. After "I do": We ask our spouse to forgive us for our missteps and freely offer it when our heart bears wounds. Share on X(3.) Pray over my marriage.
For years I didn’t realize the importance of praying over my marriage. Now, my prayer life includes praying for myself as a wife, for my husband biblically and spiritually and for us as a couple.
After “I do”: Pray for you, your spouse and your marriage.
(4.) I wish I’d known to understand individual feelings and sort through them together.
Marriage can birth various emotions: jealousy, uncertainty, frustration, fear, anger, disappointment, guilt, shame and loss of hope. So knowing how to understand and sort through them individually and together helps bring you closer, eliminates suspicion with complete transparency and brings peace of mind.
After “I do”: Understand and sort through feelings.
(5.) Set healthy boundaries.
Protecting a marriage means setting boundaries.
Refusing to set boundaries to affair-proof our marriage, gives the enemy an open door.
Like guardrails on a road protect us from going over an embankment, boundaries provide guardrails on our hearts. Physically, emotionally, online and by phone, decide together appropriate boundaries to set.
After “I do”: Set healthy boundaries.
(6.) Stay present and attentive.
Once we are married, we often focus on work, friends, children, hobbies or even ministry and not stay present in the present with our spouse. Yet God intended otherwise.
Do we find ourselves spending hours being attentive to the kids and others while our spouse has only what’s leftover?
After “I do”: Reflect on how to stay present and attentive in our marriage.
(7.) I wish I’d known to work together to identify and resolve key issues.
Often we run to our friends to talk about what’s wrong in our marriage. And if this isn’t someone who can really help the situation, it only causes resentment.
After “I do”: When we are intentional to work as a husband-and-wife team to identify the key issues and ways to resolve them, it brings reconciliation and togetherness.
(8.) Discover how to build and sustain a trust-filled-Christ-centered marriage.
I wish I’d known to keep Christ in the center.
We can do Bible studies together. And read Ephesians and other Bible passages that discuss tools for strong marriages. Or, read good marriage books based on the Word of God.
After “I do”: Be deliberate and consistent with the spiritual aspect of our marriage. Ask God for wisdom and pray for a Christ-centered marriage.
After "I do": Be deliberate and consistent with the spiritual aspect of our marriage. Ask God for wisdom and pray for a Christ-centered marriage. Share on X(9.) Develop lasting safety, honesty and intimacy.
After becoming a believer, I discovered the Lord is my safe refuge. Marriage is also meant to be a place we find safety, honesty and intimacy.
How do we develop our marriage as this kind of refuge after the Lord?
After “I do”: We keep intimate things confidential unless we tell a counselor. And we tell our spouse our need to feel safe in our relationship, honest in our discussions and intimate in every aspect of our marriage.
(10.) I wish I’d known seek help when needed.
I wish I’d known that sometimes we need help from wise couples, ministers and professional counselors.
So never feel like you should be able to pull yourself up by your own marriage bootstraps.
My husband and I have gone through several seasons where professional counseling was needed and helped us in ways we could not have accomplished by ourselves.
After “I do”: Never buy into the lie that it’s not okay to ask for help.
Sometimes we need help. Never feel like you should be able to pull yourself up by your own marriage bootstraps. After "I do": Never buy into the lie that it's not okay to ask for help. Share on X
Next Step
Go through these 10 points with your spouse, discussing how to apply them to your marriage.
What is something you wished you’d known on your wedding day?
10 Marriage Blessings to Never Take for Granted
Sometimes I participate in these link-ups:
Inspire Me Monday/Tell His Story/Recharge Wednesday/Let’s Have Coffee/Tune in Thursday/Heart Encouragement/Embracing the Unexpected (Grace & Truth) and Faith On Fire.
© 2021 by Karen Friday, All rights reserved
This is a great post, Karen! My husband and I have been married for 44 years, and I agree with every single point you shared here. All of these are essential. They were impossible to know beforehand, for we had not yet grown in wisdom nor experience. By the grace of God and time spent in marriage and in God’s Word, we have grown and learned. These points are essentials!
Melinda, these lessons really are impossible to know beforehand at least for the most part. It’s the expereince along the way as we work through the struggles that brings the insight we need for the future. Yet, a few have commented here that early on in their marriage they were given good and sound wisdom that made the world of difference in their marriage. Of course, we know many marriages don’t make it, sadly even Christians and many in the church end up with failed marriages. Knowing how hard it is ourselves, it is not surprising. The enemy loves to work toward the downfall of the family unit and what God meant for marriage.
This is absolutely excellent advice, Karen. Are you sure you’re not a marriage counselor? 🙂 Some of us learn these wonderful steps as we move along in our marriages, but others certainly struggle. I’m so blessed to have Danny in my life.
Blessings!
Martha, I’m glad you are blessed with Danny in your life, too. You seem to have grown along in your marriage. God bless, friend!
Good, good tips, Karen! My husband & I have been married for decades, so I can attest to the truth of the old saying, “Those who pray together, stay together.” We pray together at meals and bedtime, of course, but we’ve also prayed through arguments, asking God for His view. Almost immediately the air cleared and we “got” what each other was saying.
Thank you, Mary. I’m sure that quote has been fulfilled in many marriages! Over the years, the hardest was praying through arguments, at least for me, because I can be stubborn and wanted to be right. But I’ve learned how selfish and unlike Christ it is. Appreciate you sharing your experience.
My husband and I have been married for over 42 years. We married at young ages. He was 21 and I was 18. We have learned many valuable lessons along the way. We grow more in love every day.
Melissa, you both were young when you said, “I do.” And you’ve made it all these years and most likely say today, “I still do.”
Loads of great wisdom there my friend. I think perhaps the best piece of advice my wife and I received during our marriage ceremony was, “Be sure to give each other some space. It’s important.” Having both survived divorce in our first marriages, we had a pretty good understanding of what part we had in reaching that point, and we also knew ourselves better and what we could or could not accept. Still, giving each other space to recover, understand, contemplate, or accept has served us well. There are still moments when we may not like one another, but we don’t let those diminish our love. Great post ma’am.
J.D. appreciate you sharing with such a vulnerable and honest way your own experiences, that really helps others who come after us in their own situations. I like the idea of giving our spouse space to “recover, understand, contemplate…” is good insight. Over the years I’ve been guilty of wanting something resolved NOW! Also, there are moments when we don’t like our spouse or others, but the Lord never commanded us to like anyone, but to love everyone.
My husband and I celebrated 37 years of marriage. Your words of wisdom are spot on. I remember something my mother-in-law told me on our wedding day, give more than you take in the relationship. Keeping a marriage alive requires a lot of effort and God. Thanks for sharing Karen.
Yvonne, your MIL gave you sound advice. I like to describe it as a bank account, if we make more withdrawals than deposits, the outcome is devastating.
Great advice, Karen. Thankfully, we had received some great teaching the first few years we were married. I wish I had known that my biggest battle in marriage would be my own selfishness.
That was a blessing, Barbara, to receive such great teaching. Our own selfishness in any relationship and particularly in marriage becomes a constant fight between our flesh and spirit. Something that has been ongoing since the first sin.
True…so true, Karen. My second marriage, knowing Christ, keeping Him in the center of our marriage, plus doing most, if not all, of these things you list gave Kenneth and me a beautiful marriage for 25 years. He died three years ago and I feel so very blessed. Had my first marriage done ANY of the above, and had Jesus in our lives, things might have been different. Yet, God had a plan and 13 years after that disastrous 10 year first one, Kenneth and I met. He actually introduced me to Jesus and the Holy Spirit took it from there!
Thank you for blessing so many with this great advice and counsel.
What a wonderful story and testimony, Linda. Not only of redemption, but also of the blessing of godly love with you and Kenneth and the difference Christ makes when we choose to let the Holy Spirit lead in our marriages! Thanks so much for sharing this with all of us! Such a blessing.
Wow, so true and Amen Sweet Sister in Jesus-Yeshua Christ-Messiah Karen!!
GOD BLESS ALL my Sisters and Brothers in Christ Jesus-Yeshua and my Messianic Jewish Sisters and Brothers in Christ-Messiah Jesus-Yeshua and my Devout Jewish Sisters and Brothers and Your Families and Friends!!
I am Pro-Israel-Yisrael / Pro-Christian and Jewish People who STAND with the Holy Land of Israel-Yisrael and our Judeo-Christian Nation United States of America / Pro-Zionism / PRO-LIFE!!
( Psalm 129:5 KJV ) “Let them all be confounded and turned back that hate Zion.”!! ~> ( https://kristiann1.com/2016/03/16/pfiy/ ) UPDATED!!
Please Pray for Israel-Yisrael / Christian Nation United States of America, and our Christian Earth Everyday “Pray Without Ceasing.” ( 1 Thessalonians 5:17 KJV )!!
( Psalms 33:12 KJV ) “Blessed is the Nation whose GOD is the LORD; and the People whom HE hath Chosen for HIS Own Inheritance.”!!
Our ONE True GOD’S LOVE 💕💜 is ETERNAL THROUGH HIS SON Christ-MESSIAH Jesus-Yeshua for Today and Everyday Forevermore!!
I Love you all Everyone through Christ-MESSIAH Jesus-Yeshua, because HE LOVED 💜💕 EVERYONE FIRST!!
Love 💕 Always and Shalom ( Peace ), YSIC \o/
Kristi Ann
You are a wonderful encourager! Thanks so much! God bless your blog, words, and ministry sister!
I hope to be married one day, so I really appreciate the wisdom you share in this post. I can see that marriage is something that needs to be worked on together as a couple and with Christ at the center in order for it to be successful and fulfilling. Thank you. 😊🙏🏽
Oh, this is wonderful, Robyn. Loved hearing from a single woman who not only hopes to marry but desires to have Christ in the center of the relationship. I pray this stays with your heart. God bless!
Wonderful wisdom in this post, Karen! My daughter is getting married in October. I will share this with her.
Blessings!
Beckie, appreciate you sharing with your daughter. It would have been so great to have this kind of message from someone who had lived it already before I married.
This is a great post, Karen! I have passed your wisdom along to my children.
Thank you, Lisa. I pray your kids are encouraged by this message. God bless!
Amen to this. I love what you said about staying present and attentive. Our kids, our work, our responsibilities are all important… but so is tending the person-to-person relationship we have with our spouse. Time to focus on each other as individuals is precious and valuable. Thanks for the reminder!!
Jessica, like how you said, “Time to focus on each other as individuals is precious and valuable.” That’s good. I’m learning to be present in the present and carve out time alone in my marriage.
Karen, Yes to all 10. Like you I learned them the hard way. Number 1 has been a challenge that has taken us years to learn as our family backgrounds and personalities are so different. Couples who know these things are light years ahead of us who started out not knowing any of this.
Number one is the same for me and my husband, Theresa. We grew up in very different families and learned different ways to communicate or not communicate that added layers of issues to work through. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
This is such a great post. Thank you for sharing these important and practical tips. #3 is my favorite, and I know it’s what has enabled us to celebrate 32 years in a couple of months. This is definitely a list I want to print off and save.
Hey Lisa, glad this encouraged you and happy annivesary a few months early. Praying over our marriage is of utmost importance once we realize the results it can really bring.
Such wisdom. I was married for 40 years and yes, I do wish I had known in year one many of the lessons I had learned by the end of the 40 years!
Ava, seems most of us concur on the lessons come along the way. Thanks for commenting!
SO much wonderful wisdom here, Karen! There are lots of things I wish I’d known back in my 20s. It would have made my life easier and my relationships smoother. I know we have to live and learn, but it would be nice to have all the lessons downloaded on the front end. 🙂
“…but it would be nice to have all the lessons downloaded on the front end.” Yes, so true. I think it’s similar to what Dr. James Ddobson used to say about parenting, by the time we have the insight and experience to parent well, the formative years are over. Marriage is a learning process through the years, the only thing we could hope for is to learn this wisdom sooner.
Karen, my husband and I celebrated 42 years in May. Nothing could have prepared us for the challenges of marriage, even though we thought we were prepared 🙂 Only by the grace of God … This is a wonderful and wise post May we tend to our marriages as marriage truly does take work. But it is a relationship worth the work.
Joanne, we so often think we are ready for everything marriage is sure to bring, not realizing how much work it really takes to make it through the challenges. Especially, keeping Jesus front and center. And 42 years of marriage is a wonderful milestone to celebrate!
Very wise advice. My wife and I have been married over 26 years. I wish I’d known better at the beginning the importance of being a strong team —- your #7— and the dangers of letting that slip. Very important for withstanding outside pressures, for parenting especially, and the best way to grow together.
(Visiting from LisaNotes.)
Hey David, glad to have you visit today. The team concept and togetherness plays a vital role. Thanks for commenting.
Great advice for newlyweds–or not so newly.
Like how you said that, Nancy! Agree!
Karen, I’m reminded of the golden rule, “God unto others as you’d have them do unto you.” Too often, we focus on what we think we want and need instead of on what’s best for “us.” Great wisdom.
True, Debbie. We exchange “me” for “we.”