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My Top 6 Confessions About Being a Pastor’s Wife
So, confessions are good for the soul, right?
Sure, confessions before God rid our soul of sin—forgiveness for our wrongs. Yet, there’s another release when we make confessions before people.
Not only for wrong behavior, but also to let go of struggles.
My family has ministered in eight churches over the last thirty-two years. And my husband, Mike, currently serves as Lead Pastor for Believers Church.
While pastor’s wives often try to live-out the loudest “Amen!” and “Hallelujah!”
Still, we carry burdens.
In addition, we struggle with ministry issues.
6 Confessions and Lessons Learned
- I’m a rebel of the typical-pastor-wife ideology. Trying to conform in my younger years, I fell prey to notions such a woman exists. So, is there a pastor’s wife who exemplifies typical? And who attempted the job description for Wikipedia? Lesson Learned: God alone defines me. I’m not typical. But I’m fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). I’ll take my cue about who I am from the great I AM.
- I’m oppressed by people’s expectations. I’ll never measure up to everyone’s ideal. And neither will my husband. I’m not the pastor’s wife from your former church or like another pastor’s wife you may know or highly regard. Lesson Learned: Seek to please God, not people (Galatians 1:10). Striving to please God will bring a correct perspective as I lay expectations at the feet of Jesus. Ministry is not about me. But about the One who said, “Follow me.”
- I resent when the church becomes about busyness. A pastor bears the spiritual responsibility as shepherd. Ministry can become side-tracked with fillers. When this happens, a pastor’s family will often be neglected. Lesson Learned: Be about The Father’s business (Luke 2:49). Prioritize spreading the gospel and making disciples. Don’t misunderstand. Fun events are good. Yet, we can fill church calendars with no thought to our number one mission of sharing Christ. Church programs that fill empty spaces will never fill empty hearts.
- I’m wounded when people are fault-finders. Being approachable and extending freedom of expression are ways
pastors and their wives make themselves available. But, it leaves us open to attack from critics who prey on the opportunity to implement personal agendas. And it hurts when those inside church walls criticize my husband, family members or me. Mean people lurk in every area of life. This includes the church. The capacity for mean is within each of us. Yet, we must guard against it. I hope to never write the article, Confessions of a Mean Pastor’s Wife. Lesson Learned: Weigh criticism against identity in Christ. The scales will always tip toward “in Christ” where I’m a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). We can always improve, yet sift everything with the truth. Instead, Christ transforms us. People do not. - I dislike being under the microscope. I heard this line from a movie, “She hated being a pastor’s wife, it made her feel like a bug under a microscope.” So, while I haven’t loved everything about this role, I enjoy being a pastor’s wife. Loving the man I married and choosing to be in ministry partnership. Pastors and their wives are watched and followed as leaders and examples in the body of Christ. But. We. Fail. Don’t put us on a religious-built pedestal made from idol-worship of men. Lesson Learned: Scriptures do the best job of dissecting my life (2 Timothy 3:16). Still, we won’t get it right all the time—we’re not Jesus. Yet, delighting in God’s Word causes holiness to rise up in us.
- I’m discouraged when the pastor is discouraged. Pastors aren’t shielded from mental and emotional down-times—pastor blues. And they’re susceptible to this attack from the enemy. Low church attendance. A lack of volunteers. No unity. People grumble and leave. All factors weighing heavy on a pastor’s heart, thus his wife’s heart. Lesson Learned: Encourage my husband’s heart as Christ shepherds my heart. And God’s the strength of my heart (Psalm 73:26).
Insight and Action
I pray my words give you insight into the burdens carried by those who shepherd the flocks—associate pastors and wives, too.
And not for knowledge alone, but it would spur you to:
- Love in action. Find practical ways to come along side your pastor and serve.
- Pray for your pastor’s teaching, anointing, intimacy with God, and against the magnitude of attack from the enemy.
- Be unified for a gospel purpose. Church, don’t squabble about petty things. Drama and whining show our true character.
- Encourage your pastor. The forces of darkness come against him. If we don’t realize the depth of spiritual battle our pastor fights, then we need to get our heads out of the sand. We must fight darkness with the light of Jesus.
Part 2 next week: My Top 6 Greatest Joys in Being a Pastor’s Wife
Pray for your pastor's anointing, intimacy with God, and against attacks from the enemy. #pastor Share on X© 2017 by Karen Friday, All rights reserved
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Karen,
One of my closest friends is a pastor’s wife. I feel protective of her because I’ve seen some of the very things you listed in this article. It helped when I moved to another city and was no longer a member of the church so that we could talk on a different level. A pastor’s wife must be very careful what she says and whom she speaks to, especially in regards to the church and her husband. She can be quite lonely.
My middle son is leading worship at a church and now has decided to go to seminary. I’m praying for him as well as my sweet daughter-in-love.
Thanks for sharing. I hope it sheds some light.
I’m praying for you, your family too, Karen!
Beckie, thanks for commenting and your wise thoughts. Yes, it’s true. I have other pastor’s wives and “counselors” outside the church that I confide it. I help lead the women’s ministry and while the Lord wants us to be authentic, still, even in ministry ares, I must be careful. And ultimately, I run to Jesus. That’s how it should be with each of us. The pastor’s wife role is a unique calling with rocky places. But it’s also full of many joys and blessings that I cover next week in part 2. Blessings sweet friend.
Karen, I have worked in the Ministry/Non Profit Sector for over over 20 years, and it seems no matter what entity or Congregation I have found myself operating in, the things that you have described above has followed me. And, I’m not a Pastors wife. Somehow, I’m prone to believe it’s ministry itself. I can only imagine what you must face and deal with. As a Minister it’s hard. However, God gives grace to those whom He had hand picked. You my beautiful sister are hand picked by God to walk this out and by reading this, your holding your weight. Keep shining for Jesus!
Shira, Amen! Love your words, “God gives grace to those He had hand picked.” God’s callings cannot be reversed or undone. My husband and I both felt called to ministry before we married. But when believers are intentional to walk out our callings for kingdom work, the enemy doesn’t like it and comes against us even stronger. Yet, I’ve been on to him for years and we both know the very gates of hell can’t come against the church or the Lord’s own. So, we can walk with confidence that the Lord will provide the grace you mention and the power and strength to continue our efforts for His glory above all! Blessings! After all, the tomb is empty!
I sometimes fee bad for my pastor’s wives! People can put others on pedistools and forget they are just people who also love the Lord! Glad I found the right one!
Thanks, Lauren, for commenting. We often forget who we’re following. If we keep our eyes on Jesus and strive to please God before man, we’ll have the servant heart we need to labor in the Lord. Blessings!
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Thank you for sharing these insights! It’s making me think more about how I can pray for and bless my own pastor’s wife.
Kira, appreciate you stopping by and commenting. This is one of my most popular blog posts. For some reason it really resonates with people, church staff and members. I’m so glad you are committed to praying and being a blessing to your pastor’s wife. 🙂
Karen, my husband isn’t a pastor at present, but I felt all of those things while he was, and I found myself hoping he’d never pastor again. Thank you for sharing the lessons you have learned; they are so encouraging! I honestly don’t know if the Lord will place us in that position again, but I’m pinning this in case He does!!
Wow, Sabrina. Thanks for sharing your story. (And appreciate you pinning.) There are countless pastor’s wives who relate to my confessions. The first confession is at the top of the list because it was the hardest for me to overcome. So whether you ever become a pastor’s wife again or not, remember as a woman…as a believer… “I take my cue about who I am from the great I AM.” God alone defines us. Blessings! 🙂
Karen, thank you for your authenticity in your role as a pastor’s wife. I have several friends who share your role and many of your challenges too. People tend to forget that EVERYONE else on this Earth is human and has human needs/challenges. Praying over your ministry, your church, and your family! Blessings to you!
Thank you, Alynda. Ministry is tough at times, but the blessings far outweigh the rocky parts. And it helps when we discover these truths and rest in who we are in Christ.
The wife of a Pastor needs special love and care. We knew a Pastor who came to a church and his wife didn’t want to move to a new location. This caused tension between the Pastor and his wife and also between the wife and the church congregation. We could tell she didn’t want to be at the location. We could understand because she was a new mother and had left all family behind in another state. The congregation tried extra hard to show love and care to the couple. But, things didn’t work out and they moved back to their home state. We need to keep in mind that the wife of our Pastor has a lot to go through, too. Praying for every Pastor and their family.
Appreciate you sharing that story, Melissa. We moved many times when our kids were young and away from family. It is hard. God does help us through it when His call on our life is to “go” and to “minister.” And you are correct in a pastor AND his family needing special love and care. I love that. Prayers are so important for pastors and their family because of spiritual warfare.
I loved this Karen. My dad was a pastor after he retired from the business world and mom dealt with some of these issues too. Thank you for your honesty in your words. We do need to give our pastors and their families special prayers and consideration for their family/private time. I think the 24/7 life of a pastor causes burnout for families and we lose some great people as a result and also keep some from entering the ministry. Prayers for you and your family.
Thank you, Yvonne. And I’m sure your parents related to my experiences in ministry. The church is scriptural and a spiritual family we do life with, but like with all families, it’s full of imperfect people. 🙂 I think the greatest thing I keep in mind is this:
Seek to please God, not people (Galatians 1:10). Striving to please God will bring a correct perspective as I lay expectations at the feet of Jesus. Ministry is not about me. But about the One who said, “Follow me.”
Karen, Two of my three sons are involved in ministry and for a few years I was a pastor of women’s ministry at the church we were attending at the time. So your article resonated with both my experiences of having a family member who is a pastor and being a pastor. In any leadership position there are some really difficult and challenging aspects attached to the role – for both the leader and any of their family members. For as you shared – everyone is placed under a microscope. And because expectations are high and often unrealistic and because leaders are human, they will make poor choices and stumble. So while there is a greater accountability, there is also a need for encouragement and grace. Thanks for your post and sharing your experience and wisdom.
Anne, this is well said, “So while there is a greater accountability, there is also a need for encouragement and grace.” So true. With God’s calling, we certainly want to live a life worthy of the gospel. But we can’t be expected to walk on water. So thankful for grace from Jesus and others. Appreciate you sharing your experiences.
I love our pastor’s wife. And our youth pastor’s wife is my granddaughter-in-law. They both work so hard to keep the ministry moving along smoothly and encourage their husbands. They carry the burden of ministry too.
And the advice in this post helps us understand these women better–and expresses some of the needs of every woman.
Great post. Thanks! God bless!
That’s so awesome, Nancy. And we do help carry the burden of ministry. I’m grateful this post brings understanding not only to the role of pastor but their wives as well. Appreciate you sharing your experience.
Thanks for sharing your insights Karen! I always view the pastors wife as a role model for other women in the church. I guess in a way I placed the pastors wife on a pedestal. Thanks for reminding us that you too have your share of burdens and insecurities. Praying for your family and your ministry.
Appreciate your comment and the prayers, Shanique. It boils down to God’s the strength of our heart (Psalm 73:26). Blessings!
I love this! While I’m not a Pastor’s wife, I have been a children’s minister for years. I resonate with each confession you have made. Great post!
Thank you, Marcie. Being in ministry in general makes most of these confessions relatable in some way. Let’s keep in mind to always weigh criticism against identity in Christ. The scales will always tip toward “in Christ” where we are a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). We can always improve, yet sift everything with the truth. Christ transforms us. People do not.
It all comes back to our identity to Christ, to deal with our struggles whether from within or what others do to us, doesn’t it? And I so believe our church leaders really need prayer! There must be so much pressure also, to stay firm in what the church stands for when community may be calling for something that seems to please culture more. May you continue to lean into Christ’s strength and walk in His light!
Lynn, it does come back to finding our identity in Christ and not people or their opinions and expectations. I do want to continue to take my cue about who I am from the Great I AM. Then we really rest in our ministry roles and all areas of life.
Dear Karen!
Thank you for a valuable post.
You and your husband Mike are a blessing to other Christian couples.
Confessions are powerful; this is something the church has always known; it’s just recently that the corporate world has begun to copy yet another area of the church here.
I would not like to be a pastors wife. My husband is a Philosopher; I guess we share some similar experiences 🙂
You are spot on how many (at least I) think about pastor’s wives. They are often trying to live-out the loudest “Amen”, and I’m almost always questioning their motives.
There are so many political correct Christians who know what they are expected to say, also about this topic, and we struggle with the issue of politeness among Christians, where professionalism and constructive approaches to topics suffer because people don’t say what’s on their minds.
I like the six confessions that you put forth here, and I believe you’ll inspire other pastor’s wives who read your post.
As you pointed out in lesson learned for lesson 2, our perspective is different and broader than that of people without the religious dimension.
Thank you for your honesty, and for being so supportive of other Christians online.
With love!
Edna Davidsen
Love all your thoughts expressed, Edna. I’m not about being political correct. The term politically correct annoys me. It’s a misnomer. Nothing is politically correct. Correct means to be free from error. Politics—people for that matter—can never be free from error. The term also denotes neutrality. Again, a misnomer. One cannot be neutral about political beliefs or any beliefs. Either you are for (in favor of) something or against it.
I’m in favor of being Godly correct.
Only one person in history was perfect.
The perfect leader. And they killed Him. (Jesus) He wasn’t politically correct and He spoke His mind as you mentioned.
He’s our example. So I’m about Jesus correctness.
This definitely did provide insight, thank you! We often forget that, while the pastor is the one in front of the church, the family is his support and needs just as much encouragement from the church body as he does!
Thank you, Emily. Yes, it’s a family affair. 😉 I often say the moment we come to Christ, we enlist as soldiers in the Lord’s infantry…spiritual warfare. But ministry is the bloodiest battleground. Just for that reason alone, ministers and their families need prayer.
“Love in action. Find practical ways to come along side your pastor and serve.”
“Pray for your pastor’s teaching, anointing, intimacy with God, and against the magnitude of attack from the enemy.”
Thank you for your vulnerable post. Sometimes it’s so easy to forget to serve those who serve us. It’s easy to take and not give back. I pray this message reaches many.
“Sometimes it’s so easy to forget to serve those who serve us. It’s easy to take and not give back.” Wonderful words, Stephanie. Thank you for your comment and pray that we ALL find ways to love in action.
I’ve been a preacher’s kid all my life, so this post really resonates. Thanks so much for sharing, Karen. Blessings to you.
I’m sure you DO understand in every way. I hope the post reminds and inspires readers to see ministers and their family in a new way and to pray. Thanks for commenting.
You just reminded me how important it is to be praying for my pastor as I’m sure he is constantly under attack by the enemy! Thank you for the awesome post!
Yes, the warfare and attacks from the enemy are real. And even other people who let the enemy use them to do an “inside” job. Thanks for reading and commenting.
People at your church must absolutely love you because of how real you are. Thank you for sharing, I will definitely be sharing this with all pastor spouses I know!
Jessie
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Your Story Matters
Jessie, I hope so and it’s high time in the church we are real and authentic. I mean, shouldn’t it start there…among believers we do life with? Thank you!